(Scott Wallace – Staff)
Marriage counseling moves online
Click for marriage advice – but is it a valid option?
By Marilyn Gardner| Staff Writer for The Christian Science Monitor/ June 22, 2008 edition
Reporter Marilyn Gardner discusses online marriage counseling.
Reporter Marilyn Gardner
When troubles cloud a marriage, couples typically have several options for resolving their differences. Some work out problems themselves. Others turn to family and friends for advice. Still others head for a marriage counselor’s office.
Now, in a high-tech world, they have another choice: online marital counseling. A computerized program called eHarmony Marriage seeks to help couples communicate better, rekindle romance, and resolve conflicts more compassionately, says Les Parrott, who created the program (marriage.eharmony.com) with his wife, Leslie, a marriage and family therapist.
The site is an offshoot of the Internet matchmaking service, eHarmony.com.
“It’s perfect for people not quite at the place to get counseling, who want to do something practical to improve their relationship,” says Dr. Parrott, a psychology professor at Seattle Pacific University.
That “something practical” begins with a 40-minute online questionnaire covering issues ranging from finances to housework, trust, family relationships, and spirituality. Each partner answers separately. Their responses generate a computer report outlining their strengths and weaknesses as a couple.
“It will reveal where you guys are really strong and where you will find the most benefit if you invest in this area,” Parrott says. For instance, “You do really well in communication until you get to this area – in-laws.”
From that summary, the computer produces a “marriage action plan” that includes interactive video exercises, articles, and resources.
Couples pay $150 for the program, which typically takes six to eight weeks to complete. Users are often in their 30s and 40s. “Women tend to be the first to move in this direction,” Parrott says. “Men tend to be a bit more oblivious to the problems.”
Although online matchmaking is widely accepted, does Internet marriage counseling, with its click-of-the-mouse approach, hold a legitimate place?
Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C., thinks it does. Explaining that good counseling gives people new information, she says, “You can do that in any medium – face to face, over the phone, by computer.”
It’s also a way to help couples who are far apart – a husband in Iraq, his wife in the United States.
“It’s very cost-ineffective to require that a couple sit with a therapist in a private office, an hour at a time, to get information,” says Ms. Sollee, herself a marriage therapist. “It’s more efficient to get that information on a DVD or a website. You can give couples an assignment: ‘Watch this DVD. Make a list of your 10 wishes, hopes, dreams for yourselves as a couple. List five issues that give you the most anxiety. Then if you need more help, more counseling, more coaching, the two of you can get on the phone with a counselor.’ ”
Parrott emphasizes that e-therapy is not a cure-all for every troubled marriage. “It’s not a substitute for counseling,” he says. “If a couple is on the brink of divorce or at a huge impasse, they need to see somebody in person.”
Mort Fertel, founder of Marriage Fitness, an alternative to counseling that uses a CD audio learning system, acknowledges that face-to-face contact offers certain advantages. “Trust is very important,” he says. “People can acquire that trust more quickly if they shake hands and look at each other.”
Noting that a lot of communication takes place nonverbally, he adds, “[A therapist] can see physically the couple’s dynamics – if their arms are crossed or their legs are crossed away from each other.”
Yet remote counseling offers advantages, too, Mr. Fertel says. People can choose an expert anywhere, regardless of geographical location. For those who find it hard to discuss difficult subjects, “It’s easier to get to the heart of the matter more quickly if you’re not sitting face to face.”
Parrott finds that the No. 1 problem couples struggle with is communication. Resolving conflict ranks second. “People ask, ‘What’s the one most important thing I can do to improve my marriage?’ We say, practice empathy.”
For Sollee, finding ways to deal with the nation’s “alarming and unacceptable” rate of divorce and family breakdown remains a challenge. “If we know we have something that can help couples,” she says, “it’s our responsibility to get that information to them in a user-friendly, understandable, affordable form. I really think the divorce rate can go down, and we can do better.”
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Comments
2. Marriage Counseling | 07.05.08
Interesting article, I tend agree with Mort that remote counseling has it’s benefits. I personally used the marriage counseling alternatives from Dr Ellen from http://www.lightyourfire.com with great success that value of her is by far the best, she also has far more experience and knowledge then any of the other options.
I think any problem marriages can leverage the power of the internet, to solve their marriage problems.
3. MARK JANEL | 07.06.08
THE 2ND COMMENT ABOVE IS OBVIOUSLY PROMOTIONAL FROM DR. ELLEN AND SHOULD BE REMOVED.
4. Cynthia Galvin | 07.07.08
What if you want a biblical perspective regarding the issues you are facing in your marriage?
My concern would also be privacy. I’ve never visited e-harmony so I’m not familiar with the privacy they provide their clients.
I would hope this would be a success because marriages today are facing so many more challenges today because of the lifestyles, economy, and lack of spiritual connections.
5. NotAn InternetFan | 07.08.08
One question.
What if the internet was the or is the big problem in the marriage?
More internet is not going to help.
just my 2cents
6. Kris | 07.08.08
Marriage is and should remain based on biblical principle. So my concern would be, if you have a Christian couple and they are receiving secular counseling, will the internet be bringing bigger or different problems into the marriage?
7. Joe Skib | 07.08.08
The fixed price and format are a great idea since most therapists seem to thing that the counselling should last as long as the lease on their new Beemer! If it comes up any shorter they attempt to create problems instead of help solve them.
8. Hudson | 07.08.08
I feel I was tricked into my marriage my husband is a registered sex offender only did something once but it was years ago like the old saying goes it only takes one time. I did not know about this until after we got married I don’t know what to do I feel in love with him no knowing this and we had a son together sometimes I feel I would be better off without him and other times I see he is a great father and good provider. but his life has crashed down on him recently when he found out he has to register for the rest of his life Now I feel I will be living his life now not being able to go to parks together and wondering what our son is going to think when he find out about his father. how it is going o effect him does anyone have some advice for me?
9. Anna C | 07.08.08
You must also keep in mind that the internet is not privacy guaranteed and can be monitored at any time…When dealing with personal issues within a marriage, security and confidentialy is easily breached when online.
Obtaining help from a counselor for a troubled marriage is not like going into a chat room. It is serious and emotional. A counselor can only do some much via technology. The human element is completely avoided. Online counseling may end up doing more harm than good.
10. Joan | 07.08.08
I think that many things are available on-line now BUT that does not make them neccesarily good options. I have always had big doubts about e-harmony’s claims. Real relationships take work and time and it seems to me if you are looking for the “love of your life” and are desperate to find them, you will convince yourself that you have. I will be very interested in the future of these on-line meetings- in the end they are really no different than one big blind date. Therapy and nmarriage counseling are something where you should have a trust relationship with the counselor and not with an unknown face on the internet. Also I guess if you are going to base counseling on your religious beliefs (bible based) then go to your minister.
11. Edna | 07.08.08
Internet counseling may be the wave of the future and may possibly help in many ways. People living in remote areas could likely benefit. However, I do feel there is much to be said about face to face counseling. People tend to not tell the whole truth when simply conversing with “who knows who” over an e-mail. There is so much more to person, their body language, how they express themselves, their tones, etc. You can’t get that from “on-line counseling”.
12. Dianne Weinberger | 07.08.08
Personally I think this is just down right ridiculous!! I can tell you that my husband and I almost threw away 24 years of marriage. The troubles were a gambling addiction and infidelity. Pretty awful. We then went to a marriage program called Retrouvaille and this year we will be celebrating our 30th anniversary and we are happier now than we ever could have imagined on our wedding day! This program not only saved our marriage but our marriage is flourishing. All this “on-line” stuff is crazy. If you are serious about saving your marriage then try something that will work. If you research you will find that Retrouvaille has an 80% success rate over counseling.
13. D-Man | 07.08.08
This idea is ridiculous. You need to be counseled by someone who has some personal dealings with the bride and groom, and has interacted with the couple outside of counseling. We are way too dependant on technology now. Stop being lazy people. Go out and find a good, solid minister who you both trust and respect. I agree with Kris. Marriage is a Christian institution and counseling should be done by someone who has a good WORKING knowledge of the word of God and a personal relationship with Jesus. If the bride, or the groom, or both do not have their own personal relationship with Christ, the marriage is headed for failure anyway.
14. Alisa | 07.08.08
I am very skeptical of any advices from an online service like “eHarmony” that has reported and admitted to rejecting clients. It would be a disservice to any couple seeking real solutions to personal and family issues to believe in the advice of such impersonal methods.
15. Leesha | 07.08.08
I agree with D-Man,
If a couple can not speak in front of their Pastor, Clergy member, and or Psychologist…how can they face up to each other via a computer. Mediators are needed especially in emotionally, physically, and or menatally abusive situations. I do not think a therapist can really read a couple behind a computer screen. Their mouths may say one thing, but the therapist’s observation of body language and actual interaction between the couple can read as another. God first everyone and everything else follows.
16. Candace M.A.,NCC | 07.08.08
Nothing can ever replace the rapport that is developed within session. 90% of the counseling relationship is established by the raport and trust that the clients build with their therapist. I think that in the age of immediate gratification people are still looking for the quick fix. Unfortunatly as with everything in life counseling is not a band-aid it is a process that has to worked on by all parties and trusting someone online that you have never met in person I would find difficult. I still this is a quick fix for a problem that needs to be addressed in the presance of a therapist. So much comes from couples body lanuage and this cannot be determined via the internet
17. Kenneth M. Koehn | 07.08.08
Our marriage in California is great. My husband and I could not be happier. We have been together for 21 years. It’s only too bad that we were denied marriage equality for all these years. I, as a gay may have waited all these years to finally see this happen in California. Thank God California is enlightened.
18. Teri | 07.08.08
I believe that all things are possibly. Internet counseling maybe a good idea for some and not others. How do you know unless you try it? One thing I do like is; flat rate. And, also, husband and wife can answer the questions own their “own time”…which, we are all short of it seems. As for the spirtual part–that is either here nor there-My husband and I are christian people-and do have “faith”. Does not mean that we ,as individuals are always strong in our religion or our relationship!.
I would rather not meet face-to-face w/counselor. I’ve done that already.So, I say; GO FOR IT. If I was licensed counselor, I would grab a hold of the opportunity!! 
19. Marriage Problems | 07.08.08
Well I can tell you that you need not know someone to have marriage counseling it is not about a personality, listen people have an education this helps them understand situations, and whether or not the person knows you is not really going to help. You simply need tools to manage your issue.
20. Marriage Counseling | 07.10.08
MARK JANEL, no the comment that should be removed is your comment. You are the one not contributing to the blog. I am not Dr Ellen (as anyone could easily tell by my poor writing skills), but I have used her tapes, and I will continue to mention her services where ever possible. If this offends you, my apologies, but I feel passionate about her skills and services, and she saved my marriage. People need to know about this.
21. marriage counseling | 07.15.08
Interesting article, I tend agree with you that online counseling is really a very good.As people feel free to express their problems which they could not do in face to face counseling and it also saves time. I think any problem marriages can make use the power of the internet, to solve their marriage problems.
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1. Jennifer B Baxt, LMFT, LMHC | 06.23.08
I think that anyone trying to seek help through any means for their relationship is a wonderful thing. Why people are getting caught up with how it is being done is beyond me. Computers and the internet is how everything is done now, so why not counseling. I just gave up my face-to-face practice to focus on my online counseling practice because it is the wave of the future. Bottom line is that if you feel you need help, then get it, counseling is less expensive than divorce and has so many more rewards.